@TheOfficialTed: Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy's fault. Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney's fault.
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@neerjagurnani: The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you're unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
@NakedHangover: What I learned in college: 1. Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
@Cryptoterra: NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money