C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
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him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol