Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
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TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.