Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
You Might Also Like
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Candles never taste the way they smell
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.