Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
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Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
We’ve all been there
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.