[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
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[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since