@shadygeekdad: Guys, when a woman is mad just tell her she's overreacting. She'll realize you're right and calm right down.
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@Nrvous1: Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don't have to suck my gut in.
@TheToddWilliams: [Shark Tank] ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money? ME: It ate my credit card
@onion_an: Dentist switches lamp on: "Now open wide" Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb* Dentist: "This has to stop Denise"
@jonnysun: my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy