Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
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FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*