Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
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Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.