Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
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Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP