@kumailn: Guys who are enemies of Putin seem to have the worst luck.
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@crylenol: *Ouija board begins spelling* H-A-V-E_S-O-M-E "Ooooh, spooky" G-R-A-N-D-C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N "Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else"
@david8hughes: [at the vets] He's really bad. He can't fly. "He's a cat though." [very sarcastically] oh I'm sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
@FilthyRichmond: Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)