@kumailn: Guys who are enemies of Putin seem to have the worst luck.
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@michaelianblack: How come my wife can't hold her bladder for more than three hours but she can hold a grudge for fourteen years?
@Fred_Delicious: Good cop: u want a drink? Good cop 2: I love your shirt Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
@rickolantern: My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I'm going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks