There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
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[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
FINE, I WON’T.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Meanwhile in Canada…
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.