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Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*