Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
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Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit