@joeldanger: Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there's no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
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@pharmasean: My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
@lloydrang: I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree. I think I found my spirit animal.