@joeldanger: Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there's no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
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@bingowings14: First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out. Because they do my head in.
@DaddyJew: Me: stop playing with your food Son: if you didnt want me to play with my food then why did you get me dinosaur chicken nuggets? M: touchė
@aLunchBox: Ignorant person: "You're Canadian. You live in igloos, right?" Me: "You're American. You live in McDonalds', Right?
@Sassafrantz: [date] Me: Are you a serial killer? You have to tell me if you are. Him: That's a cop. Me: Changing the subject, just like a serial killer