Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
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Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.