guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
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Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.