Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
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I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.