Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
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This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.