Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
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I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
one of
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half