Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
You Might Also Like
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.