All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them