[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
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You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters