@jjmick45: GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google "woman stabs" and see how many stories come up.
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@pleatedjeans: [cruising down highway in friend's car with windows down] me: [opens bag of glitter]
@anylaurie16: Changed ex's name in my cell to Do Not Engage. Unfortunately, his middle name Not doesn't show up when he texts.
@Breadery: Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.