I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
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“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.