I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
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“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money