Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
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Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child