Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
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me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Watson was Holmes schooled
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Not helping
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.