GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
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Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
The future is now.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”