Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
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if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
how high up are we talkin’?
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
😅🤣😂