GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
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Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I pray every night that I never become religious…
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.