[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
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No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I’m not stressed
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Jokes on them. I took 10.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Hot hot hot 🥵
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.