GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
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centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.