GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
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[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don鈥檛 fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 馃槶馃槶
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know鈥he meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
You鈥檙e so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don鈥檛 have to pay for it.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
latin students necrophiliacs
馃
enjoying a dead tongue
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog鈥檚 feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
It鈥檚 that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King鈥檚 Hawaiian rolls.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It鈥檚 not a doughnut.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job