[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
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lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*