“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
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“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup