INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
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no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Thursday Thought.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Practicing safe sax
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.