In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
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As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”