[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
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*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one