Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
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I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.