H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
You Might Also Like
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
A couple who are silly together stay together.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.