H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
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TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
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A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Had an epiphany today.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.