H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
You Might Also Like
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
somebody come look at this
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.