H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
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Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.