H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
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I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.