H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
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if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
The Weeknd is back
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?