H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
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Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.