H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
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This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good