H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
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me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.