H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
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Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.