H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
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You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.