H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
You Might Also Like
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too