Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
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THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.