Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*cough*
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.